A Bird In The Garden, Is Worth Two In A Casket
Posted: Tuesday, June 30, 2009
by Gary W. Halsey Sr.
All Season Karaoke and D.J.
It all started when we started our little project the "Veggie Garden". We had the bright idea
of planting a veggie garden this year, and so I went down to the local rental place, and rented a rototiller. Well, we bought bags and bags of soil to mix in with the sand that is here in the desert, and quite honestly, we didn't think anything was going to survive with 109 degree temperature, really, c'mon. But alas, I am proud to say that my wife and I were very successful in planting this garden, the soil mixture must be just right, because the veggie plants just love it. That is the good part.
Here is the bad part, along with fresh veggies come the birds, yes birds, not to mention the other little critters that are as pesky as the birds. Well, you have to imagine in your mind that I had been watching my garden like a hawk, (pardon the pun), and everyday, an attempt was made to rob my garden by these pesky little varmits called "Doves, and Blackbirds". So in my wifes attempt to make our garden less attractive to the these birds, she brought home 5, count them, 5 scarecrows. So we set them up in the garden, all 5 of them, with their skinny arms and legs stuffed with straw, and do you think that kept out the birds? NOOOOOOOO!!!! Do you know whyyyyy they didn't stay out? Because the scarecrows faces are smiling that's why. I told my wife, "Scarecrows are supposed to be scary, they are not supposed to look like a cabbage patch doll"!! They don't scare the birds away. But they are still up, and smiling. We may as well give each scarecrow a sign to hold saying "Come and get it"!!
Well, I came up with this brilliant idea, how about a pellet gun, or even better, a B-B Gun? So I bought a B-B rifle, made by Daisy, (I spared no expense). Well the plan was to shoot AT the birds just missing them, keep in mind, I love animals, and yes, even birds, but I thought if I would just miss them, the noise of the B-B hitting the ground would scare them away. So this last Saturday, I am sitting on the back porch, fascinated by our beautiful garden, actually I cultivated the garden, and my wife planted it. I was having my morning cup of coffee when suddenly the phone rang, and my sister in law was on the other end, and her and my wife began chatting over the phone, while my wife was having her morning coffee. Suddenly, there it was....a dove in my garden, eye-balling my strawberries. Carefully, I leaned over, not making a sound, and picked up my Daisy B-B rifle, that I spared no expense for, and I cocked it and didn't even aim, and "POOF", a cluster of down feathers filled the air!!! Oh my God, I killed the poor beast! I was beside myself, and my wife is watching me as if I was a Dove Murderer.
Guilt poured through my body, I felt so much remorse, I looked at him after the feathers floated down, (I didn't know that they could float that high), and I looked at the poor birdie victim. He was still standing!!! He looked a little dazed, but he was still standing....I opened up the gate to the garden like I was on a quest to save this little beast, when he flew over by the palm tree right by the garden. Was he okay I thought? Will he live? So I proceeded to advance towards him so that I could examine him to make sure he was all right, when all of a sudden, he flew close to my face, and landed on my fence. I looked at him on the fence, and he was fine, I had just hit his down feathers, not him, and then he just took off. Well, I'm not sure if the gun idea was such a good one, but he didn't get my strawberries. I'm sure he will be back. And of course it will be when I'm not there, and probably bring all of his friends to poop all over my lawn furniture, eat all my strawberries and tomatoes, not to mention the green beans and eggplant, and if he does that.........I hope at least he will eat 1 hot pepper, if the B-B didn't get him, maybe Montezuma's Revenge will!!!!! I hate that bird.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Gary, oh, I just knew i missed you! I love this story!! Very funny, I could picture the whole thing!!! I must admit, I did not exhibit as much remorse over the bird I shot years ago. Wow! Thanks for sharing. I am really glad you are back. hahahahahahahahahahahaha!Teresa, hahahahahhaa I knew you would get a kick out of this, I guess I was blessed with a good eye, but I really didn't mean to hit the poor critter....I think I will resort to something less drastic. You killed a bird too?? wow, now I don't feel so bad....lol. Thank you so much for reading this...looks like I have allot of reading to catch up on.....like tons....Thanks again for your comedy review of my story, I was quite shocked to see I had mad a bald spot in that dove...thanks for the comments, and for the read....your fan and friend in pen.....Garyyeah, Gary, I killed a bird, I killed all its nine lives if they are anyting like a cat. I went target shooting with the guys, and they started killing the swallows that were bombarding us, first I'm like, "guy's quit killing the birds", and then something morbid came over me and I thought... I wonder if I could catch a real bird instead of these clay targets?" hhmm. Well, I Grabbed my 22 (my favorite rifle) and shot at a bird, I hit it, then shot again, and again and again before it hit the ground, until it was no more... just like I used to do to cans when I was a kid. I scared the guys, they said they would make sure they never made me mad. ....oops, Gary, I think I should not have shared this story, I think I just tarnished my good girl image. ha!!! That was years ago, before I had children, don't think I could do that ag..... well, I make no promises :-)
Now see, I would have aimed right at him, thus making sure to miss!Great story.Ken, so that is the secret, you have to AIM at the bird to miss it, perhaps I will give that a try, then, the safest place in the world be on the back of the bird!!!! What a concept, I never even thought of that, I used to be a phesant hunter, so all you do is point and shoot with a shotgun, and bingo, you had a phesant!!! I have got to get out of that mode. lol.....thanks for your comments, and comedy....and also for the read, your pal, and fan......Gary
Well, of course the word 'Casket' in the title caught my attention. I'm glad it did because this story is a typical Gary W. Halsey Sr. story; very funny, origiinal; just plain great.It did remind me of an event told to me many years ago. A friend of mine owned a sporting goods store and received a new shipment of pellet pistols. He took one home to try it out. Well, it seemed that the small dog next door was a bit of a barker. One day my friend was on his back porch with his pistol and the dog started it's relentless barking. My friend hollered, "Shut Up", and shot the gun in the dog's direction. The dog dropped like a stone. My friend panicked and buried the dog in his garden. When his neighbour asked if he had seen his dog lately, he just said, "No".David, I am so sorry that I am so late in returning you comments, things have been going crazy around my house, my wife had injured her leg, and we have been going back and forth to the doc, she just had a MRI and we will know what is going on soon. We were in emergency night before last, and was there because she was in so much pain. We got there from 9:00pm and didn't get out of there until 3:00am that morning...and we will be at the doc again on Monday...whew.....can't wait until we see what is wrong with it......Thanks for reviewing my little story about the "bird", and I knew the coffin would grab ya!!! Nice hearing from you...when things settle down here, I will be reading my favorite authors again!!!!! Yeah!!! thanks again buddy, you pal, and fan.....Gary. I have also been writing a book....hope to have it done by year endI hope all will be okay with your wife's leg, and good luck with your book.David
Sounds like the video game Viva Pinata!!! You know the one with the whole garden growing thing! I hope that you have had a bit more success protecting your strawberries since you wrote this!! Enjoyed reading this! Julian
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