Loneliness Kills, Some Seniors on Death Row
Posted: Wednesday, April 01, 2009
by Gary W. Halsey Sr.
All Season Karaoke and D.J.
I remember when my mom was alive; she spent the last three years with my wife and I. We loved having her, and it took some getting used to, we laugh together, loved, and even got on each others nerves sometimes, but there was always love. There is one thing that used to bother me though, every once in a while, my mom would look at me, with those eyes that have seen so much during her life, and say, "Gary, I'm lonely", of course I would question her as to why she was lonely, but living with someone doesn't mean you can't get lonely. Our age difference was quite a bit, she was 82, and I was 61, my wife Christine is not even 55 yet. I would say to mom, "Sweetie, why are you lonely, don't you like it here"? Of course she would say she did, but every since she stopped taking care of her good friend Keith, (I personally think they were in love), and he had to be put into a home to get the proper care he needed that she could no longer provide for him, for her, it was like condemning her best friend to death row in prison. This killed her. I am certain of it. She quite literally died of loneliness.
My mother was a widower when she passed away. Oh yes, she had taken care of Keith since he became bedridden from a problem stemming from a muscular/nerve problem with his legs to the point of not being able to walk. When the family (my sister, and myself) decided that he was too much for her to care for, I contacted the VA to see if she could get some in home assistance. We were fortunate enough to have that approved, and so help would come out to the house to cleanse him and bath him, trim his nails, haircuts and the like, and it was a little easier on mom. When he eventually turned for the worse, the VA doctors that were treating him determined that it would be best to put him in a home, where there were professionals that could care for him, She reluctantly admitted that it was becoming to hard for her to do, and he was admitted to a home. She had stated that if felt like she was committing him to "Death Row" in a prision of no escape. Every chance she could get, she would go and see him, and stay with him for hours upon end. I could not quite understand why, as she could barely see, she could not drive, and was a diabetic herself, with heart problems. But she would insist. Well, I figured it out that it was her love for him, and her loneliness that drove her to go and see him. He eventually passed away, his organs were shutting down, and one day, she received the dreaded call that he had passed away.
At that time, I saw a substantial change in my mom, her moods, her distant looks, and her declining health. I saw the loneliness in her eyes. Her love was gone, and how could I have been so insensitive not have seen it? It was then that I became frantic, and I tried to talk her into getting involved with her church, and although she did go every Sunday, she had no real friends at the church like she did when her and Keith went to church together in Green Valley, she had tons of friends there. But now she was living with me, and she had lost her soul mate, her friends in Green Valley, and her independence. How could I have been so blind as to not see it? She never blamed me, because she really appreciated that I took her in to look after her, and my wife really loved her and helped control her diabetes with a diet she could eat. We took her out to eat all the time, as she loved to do that! We even had a birthday party for her that she hadn't had in years living away from us kids, and she really loved that. And we even took her to the county fair, something she hadn't done since SHE was a kid. She really seemed like she was having fun, and I am sure that she loved it. But I could still see the loneliness in her eyes. It never went away. A son can tell you know.
I am writing this article for those of you who may read it, so that you may know what to do when caring for one of your parents if the time should arise for you to do that. There are several key points that I want to share with you, that are a must when you are caring for them in your home. And they are as follows,
- 1. Always show them respect, after all, they did spend a large part of their lives caring and raising you.
- 2. Dignity, remember to always allow them to maintain their dignity, if they want to help around the house, let them, it gives them purpose, and allows them to contribute to the household.
- 3. Communicate with him or her, find out what their interest are, and what they like to do, are there any interest groups or ladies auxiliary groups that they want to attend, or the VA for the men? Moose lodge? Elks Club? If so, make sure to make arrangements to either take them there, or have them go on their own, my mom loved to take Van Tran, (because it made her feel independent). She always went to church that way.
- 4. Let them have their independence. You are not their parent, they are yours, so give them the dignity of being independent, unless it is not in their best interest to be, i.e. Alzheimer's, any disease that would get them lost, or disoriented, or mugged. Protect them, but not to the point where you suffocating them.
- 5. Care for them in your home, they cared for you in theirs. Homes for the elderly are a last resort, but they do serve a purpose when you can no longer care for them, i.e. Physical therapy, Diapers, IV changes, etc. Those you need to have a professional do. Make sure you research a good home, which is clean, sanitary, and has a good reputation.
- 6. Privacy is a must. Their bedroom in the house should be their private place, even though they have the run of the house, privacy is still very important. They should have their own bathroom if possible. My mom had her own, and she loved it. She also had her own private phone number, her own TV service, and she was very independent.
- 7. If she or he wants to make your favorite dish that you loved when you were a kid at home, LET THEM!! Its great, and you know, it still taste great, and brings back tons of memories that you both can talk about.
- 8. Sit down once in a while, one on one, ask them how was their day, what did they do, and if there is anything that they would like to do. Hold her or his hands, hug her or him let them know they are loved! Involve yourself with them and involve your family.
- 9. Make their last days on this earth pleasant ones, they deserve it, and you will always have the memories to look back on when they are gone, and take lots of pictures. I bought my wife, and my mom, and Easter basket, complete with a stuffed animal for each, they both loved it, and my mom says that she hadn't had a stuffed animal in years, she kept it on her bed.
- 10. Last but certainly not least, give them the attention and love they so richly deserve. Show them that they are important in your life; don't belittle them. Make great memories with them, for in the end, that is all you will have left to remember. Care for them, love them, and cherish them with whatever time you have left with them and remember, when God takes them; it is forever.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Gary,What a thoughtful, compassionate article! Well-done. Your pointers are right on.I see my father, a widower, being lonely as well although he dates, has many friends, his church, and things to do. But in his home, he is lonely. All the years my mother complained about his magazines and newspapers, and yet, now that he has time to read, he doesn't. He only wants to read if someone is 'around.'Thank you for sharing your insight. I know many people will benefit from your wonderful advice.NancyThanks Nancy for your comments that are so true...Loneliness is a sad thing, and I just think folks should recognize the ramifications that it can bring on. It is such a depressant, that I would have never known it if I hadn't see it with my own eyes....Thanks for reading the article, (I know it was long) and I do appreciate your comments.....your pal, and fan......Gary.
Most interesting article and glad to hear that compassion runs through your veins as sometimes in this day and age, it is a challenge to rise above self-absorbancy.Thanks Anonymous for your comment and for reading the article, and you are right, lots of folks are self absorbent. I hope I never become that way. Really appreciate your time.......your friend in pen.....Gary.
Great article. I believe you to be a very loving, compassionate and caring person. Don't beat yourself up for what you think you did or did not do but be grateful that you were able to be there for her. I'm sure without you and your wife it would have been much harder for your Mom.God Bless you,Linda dThank you Linda, you are a sweetheart. I'm not beating myself up to much anymore, I am just thankful that I was able to spend the rest of her life with her. But I do miss her, Thanks again for your kindness.....you fan, and friend..... Gary
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