The Day My Face Caught Fire...Visit To My Wife's Hair-Stylist Gone Bad....(Humorous)

It all started when my hair needed "trimming", so my wife told me, "Why don't you go to my hair stylist, she is great, and reasonable", "Okay" I said, she gave me directions on how to get there, and off I went. Well, I found the place, and I walk into this "Salon", and I am the only guy in there, and this gal came up to me almost dancing, and she said "My name is Maria, do you have an appointment"? "No" I said, "But my wife Christine Halsey told me your were great at cutting hair, and referred me to you, so here I am", She said okay, it will be about 15 minutes, and I'll get right to you", "That will be fine" I said. So I waited in one of the chairs, and read a magazine "Good Housekeeping" (how exciting, where is a Popular Mechanics Magazine when you need it)? I was there for about 20 minutes, and she came out, and she said, "You can come this way, how would you like your hair cut today"? I told her, "Just a trim, I like a full head of hair, and a trim will do, I like it layered, and blocked in the back, and keep the left side front a little longer because of the cowlick". As I was sitting down, she said, "So your Christine's husband eh? I have heard allot about you". "Really", I said, "I hope it's all good"! and she smiled. To this day, I don't know if it was all-good!! She was picking through my hair for awhile with this thing that had four long prongs on it, (it looked sort of like a pitch fork, only a mini version with a black plastic handle), and said, "I will need to give you a shampoo, so lets go over to the sink". "I washed it before I came" I said, "Is it dirty again"? "No" she said, I like to cut hair when it is wet, it is easier and more manageable"! "Oh, okay" I muttered. As she was washing my hair, she was making small talk about how full my hair was, and that women would "kill" to have that natural wave in their hair.

After my hair was washed, (it felt so good, because she had long fingernails), and messaged my scalp until I almost fell asleep. We went over to the chair where I was sitting before, and she says, "Okay, you want it blocked in the back, layered, and you have a cowlick in the front right side, and you want it left a little longer on the right side, right"? "Left side" I said, "Left" she asked? "Right"! "Which is it, left or right"? "Left" I said with a bit of anxiety and frustration. So it began, the boring ritual of cutting my hair, "Head down, lean right, lean left", (for a minute there, I thought she was going to ask me to cough)"! Just to get this story straight, I'm a cowboy, I just stick all of my hair under a cowboy hat, and to me, it's all-good!! Anyway, she looked at me, and said "Christine comes in here all the time, she is such a nice woman", I said "Yes she is", not wanting to make small talk, because I'm afraid she will be distracted, and give me a "Mohawk"!! She continued, "I noticed that you have some gray in your beard, and some, just a few, in your mustache". "Yes I said, I know". She said, "What do you think ladies" as she spins me around to face them, she was addressing the 3 other ladies that were waiting to have their hair done, where they put that stinky stuff on their hair, and it makes really tight curls, I don't know what you call it, but it looks like torture from the mid evil days, then they stick their heads under this thing that looks like a space helmet from NASA. And they sit there doing nothing for an hour. "Do you think his wife would like his beard colored, to take the gray out"? They all nodded in unison. "I.. I'm not sure. my wife says she likes my beard the way it is I think"!

She said, "Nonsense, every woman loves a younger looking man, this would knock 10 years off your age, and you are a handsome man"! Okay, just between you and me, the author and reader, if I am such a handsome man, why does my beard and mustache have to be colored? I don't have a lot of grays in my hair that you can really notice. Her statement didn't make sense to me. She said "I'll tell you what, since Christine has her hair done here, I will do this the first time for FREE, and it won't cost you anything extra, it will be "on the house", Christine is going to be so excited". "Excited? I can do excited," I exclaimed! Long story short, she talked me into it. For men thinking of doing this, or it is ever suggested for you to do this. DON'T DO IT!! Take it from someone who knows, it is NOTworth the pain! Did I say pain? Did I write that out loud? YES PAIN!!!

Okay this is where it gets really badI am sitting in the chair, watching her mix up the nastiest smelling stuff that I ever smelled, and she said, "That should do it, I matched the color, to the hair on your head, and it will look great"! She was really excited about this buck-a-roo. I have to admit, I was anxious to see how this would look, my vanity kicked in I reckon, I wanted to look nice for Christine! Then it began, she proceeded to put this stuff in my beard and mustache, and she was wearing rubber gloves, (I wondered about that, then I though it was to keep the color off her fingers, so that she wouldn't have brown fingers), and that made since. Then all of a sudden it happened, Holy mother of God, what did she do to me, it felt like molten lava was being put on my face, my eyebrows was on fire, and I was inhaling fumes that only a hippie would appreciate. Damn that burned!!!! My eyes were all watery, and I looked at her, and said, barely able to breath, "How long do I have to have this stuff on"? She said in a singing voice "Only about 35 minutes". Thirty-five minutes, by that time I won't have any face left, nor will I have any nose hairs from the fumes, and my brain would never function the same!! Well this was worse than any Chinese torture, but I endured it for thirty-five minutes, and she commenced to rinse off the nectar of Satan. After I had wiped my face, it didn't look to bad, (for the exception of the redness around my bearded hair line, and my mustache, my nose was a little red. but I weathered it pretty well considering THE PAIN!!! So I was a new man!!! I couldn't wait to get home to my loving wife Christine, to show her, her new, and revised. husband. (I couldn't get rid of the smell of this stuff for 3 days), but it was looking okay, at least I thought!!

Well, I went home, and walked through the house, looking for my lovely wife, and when she saw me, she was soooooooooooo upset!!! She said, "What did you do? What happened to your beard and mustache and the gray hair"? I loved your beard and mustache the way it was, why did you change it"? I told her what Maria had told me, that my wife would love the "younger" look, and it became apparent to me, that my wife didn't. She has always thought that my grays in my beard and mustache always looked "distinguished", and she was really upset that they were gone. So, she got on the phone, and told Maria how upset she was as to what she had done to my beard and mustache. I didn't hear the other end of the conversation, and I'm sure Maria was not ready for this reaction, and probably wished she had left well enough alone, and I'm sure that she would never make this suggestion again to a male customer, not knowing what the wife would thinkWell, that was a long time ago, thank God, and my grays are back, and my beautiful wife likes it that way

I guess a good moral to this story is "Leave who you are, to who you are, as God intended for me to have some gray hair, who am I to disagree"? Leave well enough alone, your wife married you for who you are, not what you look like. Beauty is from within